Why I Should Never Have an Advice Column

I won't bother checking when the last time I posted was. I really don't want to know.

But I've decided it's time to amuse my readers once more, so I'm going to share with you something completely non-blog related. I'll probably regret this, good thing I excel at posting things without really thinking that much.

Most of you probably know that I'm an aspiring novelist. So far I have two chapters of a book I've been planning since I was 9 or 10. I'm a little bit of a slow writer.

But I also have some amusing side stories that I write to amuse myself and my friends. These cover a variety of topics but lately some friends and I have been working on the same general story. Like the true geeks that we are, we've taken what started as essentially fan fiction and expanded it. Long story short: we have a storyline in which all four of us are Time Lords (like in Doctor Who, to the uninitiated). That's really all you need to know for now. If you desperately want to know more I'll tell you all about it.

So I'm going to share a little bit of that with you. This isn't narrative, this is my character writing a blog essentially (so it totally counts as a blog). I actually don't remember exactly how this came about, but somehow the idea of my character having a relationship advice column was suggested and I had to run with it. I went to Ask.com and found the most ridiculous questions I could and here are the results:

I don’t know if you knew this, but when you’re a Time Lord and you carry a psychic paper of any kind sometimes you get spam mail. Sometimes it’s something exciting like a distress call and I can do something to help. Sometimes it’s a pizza order and I really can’t help. Sometimes it’s a completely different kind of distress call... we’ll see if I can help with those.

I’m referring to the abnormal amount of requests I’ve been receiving for relationship advice. I’ll open my psychic paper and there will be a pleading note from a teen (I hope they’re teens. I sincerely hope these people are teens.) asking for my help. Now, I personally was never a teenage girl, (I was a teenage werewolf, ask anyone), but you’d think with more than 500 years of dealing with life forms I would have picked up SOMETHING about relationships. So I’ll see if I can help these poor unfortunate souls.

Easy, it’s somewhere in the 400 year range.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm how much older? Are we talking buy-him-a-wheelchair older? Because that’s creepy. Also might not get him to like you, I suppose. Well, if you’re actually friends that means he must not dislike you, ergo, he likes you. Ta-da.

http://www.amazon.com/Chess-Dummies-James-Eade/dp/1118016955/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412231300&sr=1-7&keywords=chess

Chocolate. Someone to do the laundry.

Oh, seriously? Hm. I can do serious. Maybe.

Um, it inspires you. Having someone to love and work for is a lot more encouraging than living for yourself. Plus it’s nice to have a partner in crime.

“That’s a weird place to put a piano.”

“What planet did you get that hat on? I’d like to get one for myself.”

“Hey, I have a weird freckle on my face too!”

“Come with me if you want to live.”

“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.”

“I’m sorry I accidentally locked you in my TARDIS, what was your name again, you handsome devil?”

All guaranteed to work, I speak from experience.

Aha, slightly different from the conversation starters, I can provide you with some pick up lines. I’m not saying I’m great at flirting, but I’ve never been told I was bad at it. I’ve compiled a list for you.

Here are some classics:

Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

I'm not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?

You look so familiar… didn't we take a class together? I could've sworn we had chemistry.

And of course, this one:

I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Here are some slightly bolder ones:

Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got fine written all over you.

If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

And here are your creeper options:

Do you live in a corn field, cause I'm stalking you.

Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

This one’s for my friends, I regret nothing:

Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s'more.

And then there’s the Time Lord pick up line:

I was wondering if you had an extra heart, one of mine seems to have been stolen

Duct tape.

That about does it for now. I think I’ve done my good deed for the day. I’ll go reward myself with chocolate and not doing the laundry.